QÜNE: The Report

The Hurricane Next Time

Let’s take a break from the mundane. Last year's events surrounding Hurricane Katrina have opened the hearts of thousands, spurring many to offer their checkbooks, homes, hugs, hearts, and time to help ailing evacuees. Many of Hollywood’s finest have even donned uncommon couture- aprons and thigh-high rubber boots- to help with the relief efforts.

But as New Orleans dries and Madi Gras ends, we can be certain that the troubles of homeless families of Mississippi and Louisiana will become even more intense. Americans have a consistently positive way of responding to the immediate needs of its citizenry. We take great pride in our episodic displays of benevolence. But our collective altruism rarely extends beyond the most dramatic of circumstances.

As such, most of the poor white and black evacuees and residents will now face a much fiercer storm in the coming years as displaced families are blown from the comforting hands of the Red Cross into America’s unforgiving social welfare system.

Unfortunately, this hurricane won’t be televised.

Continue to donate here and here.

Read more commentary  here (registration may be required)

John Q Regular

At Qüne, we laughed till we cried over Chappelle skits depicting a black ‘white supremacist’ and Rick ‘I’m Rich Bitch’ James, but we’ve never understood laughing at slavery. In all honesty, we felt his Roots skit was quite irreverent. Okay, to be really honest -- we thought it was dreadfully irreverent.

 But with a James Lipton (Inside the Actors Studio) and an Oprah interview under his belt, mega-comedian Dave Chappelle has been working the talk television circuit in an effort to restore his image in the last several weeks.

 We’ve watched (more like studied) both interviews. Expecting the typical ‘Give me back my Comedy Central show’ monologue with some touches of whiny ‘I needed some time off, because my mother doesn't love me,’ we were intensely surprised to see something different--  like….GROWTH. In each interview, Dave Chappelle revealed to us the average joe. He is, essentially, one of ‘us’, who through his passion for comedy (and weed) became famous beyond his wildest dreams.

Contrary to the mantra of the American dream machine, most “everyday people” will remain anonymous; not because they lack extraordinary talent or work ethic, but because of their unwillingness to compromise their integrity. Which is exactly why David Chapelle was able to walk away from a 50 million dollar contract.

 In his ordinary way, Chappelle exposed in each interview his disgust for the dire creative direction of the show. In one segment, he even mentioned a typical skit involving race that got a not-so-pleasant laugh from a crew member which made him feel raw, as if he had let down many people. Consequently, while starring down a lucrative contract offer, he had the audacity (and courage) to reflect, find his job uninspired, and walk off the set to hold himself accountable.

 Funny, us normal folk call that being contemplative. Hollywood calls it being on ‘crack.’

Read more from the Washington Post  here.

The Other Kind of Party People

At The Report, we take our parties seriously. While we’ve never embraced the idea of “getting our eagle on”, we don’t mind “dropping it” when placed in an appropriate festive atmosphere. For us, parties are a legitmate form of escapism and a legitimate means of lowering our risk of hypertension (although not eating so many Jamaican beef patties would probably help as well). Give us Pomegranate Martinis, a big dance floor, and protection from (too often) obstinate Nigerian men, and we’re happy.

 However, we have little patience for long lines, outlandish cover charges, and parties hosted by brutish ball players. We’re too old (barely) to waste 4 hours of our life partying in tight spaces with folk trying to resurrect their dorm room identities.

 Which is why we don’t understand why so many of our acquaintances are suddenly so giddy about NBA All Star Weekend. Granted, if you could afford tickets to the events, watching the NBA elite compete is great way to indulge your craving for sports. But if you had to take a Southwest “red eye” to Houston, we can assume that you didn’t come within 5 miles of the Toyota Center or have any intention of paying the $2, 000+ for tickets to the game.

So why are so many of our people rushing to All Star Weekend? We’re afraid to ask. Yet, we have a funny feeling that some of the people who flocked to Texas to just  “hang out” are same the folk that managed to destroy the Greek Picnic, Freaknic, and The Essence Music Festival; and have the nerve to show up at the Congressional Black Caucus Weekend every year as unregistered voters*. By turning civilized festivals into the commemorative equivalent of a Pimps Up, Hoes Down video, these ‘party people’ have the capability to quickly spoil any upbeat black social gathering.

Our advice- enjoy All Star Weekend while you can- before David Stern gets hip and moves the festivities to Kazakhstan.

 Read more here.

*We know who you are and so do you.

Bad Company

We find it interesting that so many conservative African American blogs have popped up in the last year. Please don’t get us wrong, we have no problem with diversity of opinion. The only issue of significance that writers at The Report agree on is that Cornel West should never produce another rap album.  Regardless of our democratic ideals, we find it strange that so many black folk have suddenly felt the need to proclaim their allegiance to the Republican Party, despite the party's laughable inability to engage non-white audiences.
 

Undoubtedly, we’ve all, at some time or another, felt disrespected by Democrats. The NAFTA and welfare legislation signed during the Clinton years brought us to our highest degree of ‘pisstivity’.  As a result, we considered siding with the Green Party in subsequent elections. Unfortunately, their far-fetched environmental promises, annoyingly self-righteous supporters, "herbal" staffers, and sickly presidential candidates gave us the political bends.  Despite the inadequacies of the Democratic Party, we know too much about past and present conservative leadership to assume that the GOP has our best interest at heart.

For example, we've never had to worry about a democrat making a rediculously insensitive comment on national television.  Which is exactly what Mary Matalin-- a very high profile Republican strategist-- did on Fox last week. Referencing speakers at the Coretta Scott King funeral, Matalin remarked,

 “I mean, you know, I think these civil rights leaders are nothing more than racists. And they're keeping constituency, they're keeping their neighborhoods and their African-American brothers enslaved…”

 Last time we checked, Lil Jon didn’t speak at the service. But Maya Angelou, Mayor Shirley Franklin, and Dorothy Height did. And we’re positive that they’ve had nothing to do with any form of ‘enslavement’. Never mind the fact that Saddam Hussein would have a better chance of becoming a Whitehouse strategist than Mrs. Matalin, if it wasn’t for the work of such courageous Civil Rights leaders.

Our words of advice- If you’re considering coming out of the political closet to declare your allegiance to the Republican Party, be clear about the company you’re claiming.

Watch the interview here and send your complaints here.

Hip Hop VP

We’re sure that the hoopla surrounding Vice President Cheney’s “hunting accident” will grow to conspicuously gigantic proportions this week. For pundits, it’s just too easy to connect Cheney’s affinity for all things destructive, to his weekend shotgun mistake. Conspiracy theorists will explode with implausible ‘hypotheticals’ that portray the event as proof positive that Cheney is a crazed bogeyman with a vampire-like thirst for blood, power, and oil. And the comedians? Well, let’s just say that Al Gore can finally rest well.  Cheney’s blunder will move us to forget that Mr. Gore ever chose to French kiss his wife on national television or wear earth tones to score votes. For years to come, Cheney skits will be all the rage on Comedy Central.

 But what will we [black folk] do with Cheney’s fodder? The people at The Report have a theory. Considering our community’s puzzling appreciation of iconic gangsters (doesn't every black person have a framed Scarface poster on their wall?), we have a feeling that Vice President Cheney will become the latest white Mafioso to become immortalized by the lyrics of hip hop’s most ‘hood’. Its pretty hard to find words that rhyme with Cheney- zany is the only one we could think of- but considering how quickly rappers normalized the use of ‘Osama’ (not Obama), we expect to hear Cheney’s name mentioned in at least three to four songs in the next 5-6 months. And since hip hop has become an exercise in unnerving repetition, we expect this number to quadruple over the next 5 years. T-shirts, murals, and some form of ‘crunk juice’ will, surely, follow

 As such, we predict that Cheney will emerge as our first Hip Hop Vice President. Sound ‘gangsta’? Well, we’re sure that some kid from Shaker Heights will think so. Consequently, it’s only a matter of time before you’ll be able to buy a poster of Vice President Chaney (complete with shotgun shell inlays) to hang over your mantle-- right next to your framed picture of Al Capone.

Bill Clinton may finally have to compete with someone else for our undivided adulation. Can you imagine? Ridiculous as it sounds, we can.

 Read more here.

Hustle & Fail

The Academy Awards recently nominated Terrence Howard as Best Actor for the lead in Hustle & Flow. Unfortunately, we had the honor of viewing the movie recently and came to the conclusion that it is, unequivocally, the absolute worst, most stereotype-laden movie we’ve seen in years. Let us add that about a month ago, we watched Four Brothers and thought ‘could a plotline be any thinner?’ We should’ve known. (Curiously, both of these movies have John Singleton in common, but we digress…)

 First, the folks at The Report are fans of Terrence Howard. And in a kinder, gentler pop-culture world, he’d be getting an Oscar nod for something of real substance Can you imagine a biopic of Langston Hughes? Or just a story chocked full of strong characters, who speak a language we all recognize, not co-starring Anthony Anderson. Well before we knew Terrence Howard, the actor— we all asked “who is that light-skinned brotha’ stealing all the scenes in such ‘afro-pleasiac’ roles as Quentin in The Best Man, and Gossie McKee in Ray?” And by the time we knew him as Cameron in Crash, we knew he had star quality.

 But Hustle & Flow replaces Howard’s gloss with grime. Forget the arguments we engaged in about
Halle’s Oscar (how many First Fridays-type events have you attended where a patchouli oiled, pseudo-intellectual argrued, 'Why did Halle  have to strip!?, Angela Bassett would have never done that!'). Or whether or not Denzel should’ve received the best actor award for playing a ‘villain’- we love Spike, but nobody outside of the HBCU circuit saw Mo’ Better Blues. As Leticia Musgrove and Detective Alonzo Harris, Halle and Denzel did what good actors do—they showed a humanity in their roles beyond which we might normally see.

 The Academy sprinkles its fairy dust on whomever in Black America they choose. Sometimes they get it perfectly right, but sometimes, they tease us with unrelenting sarcasm and mocking superiority. Can’t you hear them? “This is what Jessie Jackson asked for, so you people want an award? Here’s a nod for Terrence.”

Next up? We can only imagine. Maybe “Mr. Raydiation” aka Ray J will get one for Save the Last Dance 2, due out later this year.

Wink, wink Academy…We get it. Read more here.

Foxx News

Did you receive an email a couple of weeks ago concerning the Jamie Foxx special that aired January 25^th on NBC? It reads something like this:
"[NBC is] purposely putting his show up against the second week of American Idol in hopes that it will fail. This will give them the excuse to never give another black person a music special because "it doesn't work". ..This is the first time NBC has ever aired an entire young urban African American cast on a music special. We need to show support..."[read the entire email here]

Yeah right. The folks at The Report are, by no means, masters of the remote, but we do recall a very successful NBC sitcom called the Cosby Show, which highlighted the lives of a middle class black family. And while we don’t have the exact Nielsen ratings, we’re pretty sure that it was one of the longest running and highest grossing shows in the history of broadcast television*.    

Herein lies the problem with the email. The message highlights the problematic assertion that ‘authentically black’ entertainment can only emerge from the urban narratives of the hip hop inclined (never mind that Mr. Foxx is a classicly trained artisit). This kind of essentialism has led many to forget about the multitude of entertainment firsts by African Americans who do not fit the now ubiquitous hip hop guise. To be clear, the Foxx show is not the first music special to be aired with an entirely 'urban cast' (whatever that means) on NBC. Remember Motown 25: Yesterday, Today, Forever hosted by Richard Pryor, featuring Michael Jackson’s groundbreaking Billie Jean performance? I bet your Betamax does.

Let’s face it, no network would forgo millions in order to appease the small amount of people that are not infatuated with black male hyper-masculinity. The networks and their suburban audiences can’t get enough of it. To be sure, the Jamie Foxx special aired against American Idol because it is the only kind of show- a protracted hip-hop video- that can compete with Fox’s two ton guerilla.

Update- [After watching the show] It is clear that Jamie Foxx may, indeed, be the first "triple threat" who's talent actually exceeds the hype. Unfortunately, there was still something all too familiar about the show's subject matter and presentation. As usual, Mr. Foxx presented as an overly complicated comedian, and R&B singer from the streets, who loves his daughter (yawn). So, there was little about the special that seemed worthy of a large scale protest had it not been aired (FEMA's inability amend to its mistakes in New Orleans seems to be a much more worthy cause).  Bottom line-His show was not a first. And we can be sure that it won't be the last. Read a summary here.

*NBC, CBS, and ABC have never gone out of their way to find programming that may appeal to non-white, heterosexual males between the ages of 16 and 25. But, the channels that have – UPN, BET, WB, and MTV- have not stretched to offer any programming that deviates from the enigmatic Homeboys from Outer Space minstrel framework. Besides the clever Everybody Hates Chris, we'd rather have nothing.   

A Million Unlikely Heroes

We’re sure that most of you have heard about Oprah's recent interview with James Frey, the bestselling author of A Million Pieces. If you haven’t, we recommend that you consider paying your cable bill on time or start reading the paper.      

 Mr. Frey’s memoir was the talk of the town even before it was determined that much of his story was embellished. Simply put- it is an enthralling read. Chronicling his life as a recovering drug addict, his book presents as a train wreck in process. Each page details a collision of gore and bravado, producing an implausible story of exculpation and triumph. It unfolds like a “too catastrophic to be true” but “too tragic not to watch” reality TV show where the tragedies of the main characters overshadow the often elementary underlying redemptive theme (see Being Bobby Brown for example).

Yet, the furor over A Million Pieces seems to overlook how “reality media” (this includes talk shows, videos, movies, music, and pundits) has made the "unlikely hero", in fact, much more likely. Frey's vita is now the norm, not the exception.  In today's pop culture world, if you want to be famous, you’d better have a tale of tragedy and triumph to share with the world. If you don’t, you better make one up (see Vanilla Ice). Because if you’re happy, successful, and haven’t sold drugs or ingested them, lived in the projects, been bitten by a venomous orb weevil, incurred severe pain at the hands of a loved one, or had to sell CDs out of the trunk of your car to survive; you can be sure that there will be no book, no album, no TV show, and certainly no appearance on Dr. Phil in your future. Being literate, employed, and attentive to the lives of family and friends gives you little chance of achieving pop culture prominence. If you’ve ever witnessed the way some African American teens from stable, caring families reject their pedigree in an attempt to emulate the cliché (and often exaggerated) hip hop personas of hustlers turned good, then you know how dangerous this new standard can be (see Bow Wow, Ray J, and too many kids in Prince Georges County, Maryland for evidence).      

The James Frey debacle should serve as a reminder that the majority of “unlikely heroes” have little interest in publicity.  Most would gladly trade in any amount of fame for the promise of universal peace, equity, and justice.

Read about a true hero here. And read James Frey’s book, its good fiction.

Black Comedy

At The Report, we take great pride in the texture black comedians such as Richard Pryor, Dave Chapelle, Chris Rock, and Armstrong Williams [he’s a real clown isn’t he?] have added to the American milieu. But the flagrant use of the term satire by some of today’s other ‘up and coming’ humorists is getting a bit annoying.

Suddenly, the title ‘satirist’ has become the comedic equivalent of a Cold War bomb shelter- widely available, theoretically comforting, but laughably meaningless. Today, it seems that every young, brash, and irreverent stand-up is using the term defray even the most deserving of criticism.

 Aaron McGruder’s (see pic) January Boondocksdepiction of Martin Luther King embodies this dilemma. If you haven’t seen the episode, MLK awakens from a coma as an unforgiving, curmudgeon who uses the" n-word" to berate black Americans.

For starters, McGruder’s framework is sophomoric; and, thus, highly disrespectful of an educated audience. MLK was too much of an intellectual to admonish blacks only  for indulging in the spoils of American materialism and entitlement (last time we checked white kids watch BET too).  Moreover, McGruder, a self-entitled satirist (of course), should know that good satire doesn’t beat fans to a pulp with unending literal manifestations of an artist’s intent. His depiction of MLK using the n-word does just that, in addition to unforgiveably disrespecting the man who’s life sacrifices ensured that McGruder could enjoy his current level of success.

Sorry, Mr. McGruder, but in the words of Richard Pryor*, “there are no ni@@ers here”. With this stunt, you’ve proven that you care more about ratings than any ‘uplift politic’ you claim to bear in your comic. Not to worry, we’re sure BET will be happy to air re-runs of your show once it gets cancelled.

If you want to see really great satire, watch a re-run of President Bush's State of the Union Address. 

 Watch McGruder defend his depiction of MLK on ABC’s NightL ine here.

*After an enlightening trip to Kenyain 1979, Pryor renounced the n-word. Asserting, “there are no n@@ers here [in Africa or the US]”, Pryor vowed to never use the term again. Read here or here for more info.

Editor's Choice

We hate to belabor the tragedy that is 50 cent. But the absurdity of the ever-expanding campaign to ensure that he is the most recognizable living African American is too problematic to overlook. Our latest coverage stems from a recent announcement that GQ has named Mr. 50 the man of the year. Granted, we don't know the specific criteria they use to make their selections. But, we do know that many in the black community believe that 50’s persona has done more to advance negative assumptions about black males and urban blight than Donald Goines, Willie Horton, and Shawn Kemp combined.

So why did they choose him? According to an article posted on MSNBC.com, GQ made the choice because 50 is “endlessly fascinating”.

We liken this to New Orleans Magazine naming former FEMA director, Michael Brown, the 2005 man of the year. Of course this would never happen- because The New Orleans' editors would never ignore the suffering of thousands to sell a couple magazines.

Read more here and here.

Help find the names of GQ editors by sending info here.